The Deleted Dollshe Bermanns

Harlan Q

2007-05-28T05:43:46Z

Please don’t leave me…I’ve been lonely too…

Time and space must have stood still when he said those words. It must be what happens when two complete strangers suddenly come to realise that they have reached the same total understanding.

More tears fell down our faces and all I could do was held him in my arms…the body I’ve longed to touch for so many years, but now belongs to another soul. A gentle person who is nothing like the Julian I knew, but who is just as lost, lonely and desperately confused.

Some moments passed and it was well after eight thirty. After an awkward moment of re-composing ourselves, we were back at the kitchen digging for something to eat.

“Hey how about this?” he pulled out a bag of broccoli, cheese, ham and a couple of eggs from the fridge. “I can make us some omelette…if you like…”

“You can cook, huh?”

“Yeah ^__^…” he smiled brightly. “It’s just one of the things Morrigan taught me. Now, tell me where I put my crockery again?”

Just now…I felt like the storm has finally cleared. This person, standing in the same space as I am, whipping up eggs more deftly than I am and chopping vegetables faster than I could, is not Julian…but somehow, he was somebody I could learn to warm up to.

“Nikita….” I tested the name. “Right?”

He looked up from his bowl and me with a hopeful twinkle in his eyes. “Yes…you pronounced it right too ^__^”

“Is it Greek?”

“No, it’s Russian. My surname is Jovanovich.”

“Ah…”

“I know…it sounds like a girl’s name.”

“Haha! No, it sounds rather cool.”

It felt unusually good to be with him. He had a way to make you want to smile for no reason. Later at the dining table built for no more than 4 people, we spoke some more while we enjoyed his instant whipped up omelette. We gave Johan a bit of his normal fish food but I swear I could see him scowling at the food served on the table.

“This is delicious!” I said as I bit into a thick chunk of ham.

“Ahaha really? ^^’’”

“Yeah…honestly. Now I’m fully convinced you’re not Julian, cause he couldn’t make anything not dangerous for human consumption.”

“So…what is your last name?” he suddenly asked while sipping some more milk. He must love milk so much…it’s almost strange.

“Uh…it’s Quinn. Harlan Quinn.”

“That’s a nice name….”

“You speak of this Morrigan quite fondly…was he your lover?”

I probably shouldn’t have been so direct because I made him choke on his milk.

“Umm…^^’’” Nikita wiped at his mouth. “No…we weren’t…anything like that.”

He took some time before continuing, “I admire Morrigan very much. He was always very smart and kind with everyone...he was everything I was not and I’d like to be…”

“Hmm…I think I know what you mean. So… you do love him?”

“No…well….yes, but…”

“Did you ever tell him?”

“No T__T…” he bit on a piece of broccoli and knitted his eyebrows.

“Ah…”

We’re so much more alike than I first thought…

“I…had a heart attack…it was just before Christmas, I was making him a new sweater and it was quite late…I never had the best of health but that night I had my second heart attack. Next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital and I met you there.”

He put down his knife and fork and looked directly at me then “I hope I can find out what has happened to me. If it’s possible for me to wake up in Julian’s body, then…is it possible that he is in mine?”

I don’t know why it hasn’t occurred to me before. I said, ”…that’s crazy….but not entirely impossible.”

“Oh good! Maybe tomorrow, if you wouldn’t mind…will you help me find out more?”

“Really, you shouldn’t have to ask me these things.”

He smiled then and I felt hope started to rekindle warmly in my chest.

Nikita Jovanovich

2007-05-28T05:40:53Z

Harlan showed me the way. Further into this wondrous unfamiliar modernist apartment, was a bedroom tucked away in a corner.

This is where I lived…well, where this Julian person lived as I have no memories of any of this at all…

The bedroom was a surprising contrast to the other parts of the apartment. The walls were painted gentle mauve and the bed was large and had sheets that actually looked comfortable rather than flashy. There was a book shelf lining one of the walls and there at least I could see “real” books, magazines, a souvenir from a recent overseas trip, loose change and other stuff I would normally expect from someone’s bedroom. It wasn’t the tidiest bedroom, but the bed was made and things lay in an organised mess.

There was only one bedroom side table, among other stuff on it were two framed photographs. One was a little brown haired boy of about ten years old, on a beach with his two parents. The other was a more recent picture of Julian with about twenty other people in some sort of Christmas party.

“My parents?” I picked up the first picture.

“Yeah…”

“They didn’t come to see me at the hospital?”

“…um…they died fourteen years ago.” Harlan replied uneasily. “Sorry.”

So…Julian was like me too. An orphan…

I picked up the second picture and held it up to him. “This is you isn’t it?” I asked and offered a smile in an attempt to change the gloominess.

“Yeah…” He smiled. “Didn’t think the ponytail look was more office-like, so I cut it off last year”

“And this one is me…” I stared at the picture of my new self. He had very short dyed spiky blond hair in that picture, which he must have grew out as my hair is back to brown. In his right hand was a huge schooner of beer, his mouth was open in an “Oh” while the other arm was around the waist of another man who stood between him and Harlan and was kissing Julian’s cheek.

“…and that is…”

“Andre.” Harlan puffed. “…err….Your boyfriend last year.”

“My boyfriend??” I stared at Harlan again who averted his gaze. “I see….”

“You broke up with him though…you said never to bring it up again.”

“Well, then…why do I still have his picture?”

Harlan turned around and walked towards the adjoining bathroom. “Who knows…you’ve always been strange, Jules. Anyway this is the bathroom in case you have forgotten…:P”

“Oh!” I put down the picture frames and followed him into the bathroom. It was an amazingly stylish bathroom, with pearl white tiles and a huge bathtub shaped like a bowl in the middle of it. A single golden stalk shot up from one side of the tub and formed out into a shower head. There were tall mirrors arranged in vertical strips on the wall behind the tub.

“Wow…” I found myself marvelling at it. “This is the most beautiful…Oh…I’m sorry T__T”

“Heh, don’t worry, you made this too.”

I guess I’ll never stop being astonished at how amazing this Julian person was…which also made me feel extremely insecure.

“How could I ever afford the rent of this place???”

“Aren’t you lucky…you actually own this place.”

“I do??” I squeaked in disbelief.

“When your parents died, they left you with a decent size life insurance pay out which was put in a trust fund until your 21^st birthday.”

All of this information and stories of my life which I never lived made me feel dizzy…

“Harlan…” I sat down at the edge of the tub and looked down at my feet.

“What is it? Are you ok?” he knelt in front of me and searched my face.

“I’m so sorry…”

“Stop apologising.”

“Oh I’m sorry…>_<”

He smiled.

“There is something I need to tell you. But I am afraid…”

“Tell me anything.”

I turned up to face him. “I am not Julian.”

His smile slowly morphed into a thin pursed line but he listened seriously.

“My name is Nikita. I remember who I am now…” hesitantly I continued. “I’m 22, I was born an albino and I lived in the city of M with a good friend of mine named Morrigan. We shared the place with several other people whom he knew from his travels. I actually came from Libertine, which is a small village by the side of a mountain where I looked after a small inn with my grandmother. One day we had a guest who I accidentally knocked out cold with a linen basket dropped from the second floor…”

At that point I felt my cheeks flustered but Harlan gestured for me to continue.

“Anyway…Morrigan asked if I would come with him travelling. I agreed cause I’ve always wanted to travel and see more of the world. I didn’t think I could, but Morrigan proved me wrong. Our journey took us to the city of M where we were living for a while. The house was run like a boarding house by a rather loud mouth stocky lady named Helene and her son Tripp (who didn't look anything like her). There were other residents there who were all very nice people. Mr. North in particular was a nice man, but for some reason he was always picking fights with Morrigan so that’s why I …”

I halted when I saw Harlan’s pained expression.

“…I am truly sorry…” I looked down again.

“It’s not your fault.” He said. “It must have been hard for you to wake up all of a sudden…into another man’s life.”

“…you believe me??”

“I believe you.” He nodded slowly. “I knew, …though I didn’t want to believe…that Julian passed away six months ago in a car accident.”

Moisture gathered at the corners of Harlan’s wide brown eyes, but it was my own tear which rolled down my cheek. Suddenly, I understood. I understood this overwhelming sense of loneliness, why every moment I spent with this man had felt bitter sweet sadness…I remember the pain of losing someone you truly love but were unable to do anything about. Words you wished you had spoken out loud before it was much too late.

I touched the side of his face and searched his eyes.

“Do you love him?”

A single tear fell down beneath his lashes.

His mouth shook as he leant forward and gently kissed me.

The kiss was unbearably lonely. It was everything that was dear to this man. But I understood him well, he was kissing Julian whom he loved so dearly, goodbye.

“I’m sorry…” he stopped himself and held me at my shoulders. “I shouldn’t have done that…I’ll be leaving now…”

“Wait…”

“There’s food in the fridge and if you need anything else your phone book is by the telephone in the livingroom…” he wiped at his reddened eyes and made to leave.

“Wait, Harlan!” I tugged at his sleeve, being half dragged back into the bedroom.

“I’m terribly sorry if I confused you…I should have been more considerate of your condition.” He bowed.

“No, please…don’t leave me.” I pleaded. “We are both confused…so please…stay with me, I’ve been lonely too.”

Harlan Q

2007-05-28T05:39:28Z

It’s been a month since Julian came out of the coma. The doctors all believed it was due to the serious head trauma when the car hit him that he lost his memory. At the hospital, I told him everything I knew of him, his past, his job and the people he acquainted with. Initially he listened and tried to learn everything desperately even though I could see in his eyes, that is was as if I was telling the story of another man’s life. After a few more days, he stopped asking me questions. There was even one day when I visited him and all he said was “I’m so sorry…” and that was it for the rest of the day.

At that time I thought it doesn’t matter. Julian is here now. I cannot imagine what it must be for him, so let him have his time to ponder things. A lost memory can be recovered in time, the most important thing now is that he’s safe and I’m going to make sure nothing will ever harm him again.

That day as I drove him back from the hospital to his single bedroom apartment, down town in the busy streets of Mione, I watched him looking out the window as if he’s never even seen the streets, let alone walked them, in his life…something incredibly sad came over me as I deny this growing realisation… it was perhaps more than his memory that he lost.

We climbed the steps to the second floor in silence and slow motion. There wasn’t much on him to bring back from the hospital. He put on a feigned confidence out of worry that he wasn’t making improvement and that I’ve wasted all my effort, but I could see how alien everything seemed to him.

“Are you ok?” I faced him as we arrived at the door of the apartment.

“I’m sorry…” he looked down nervously. “it’s just that I’m inches away from everything that is about me behind that door…it is…”

“…scary?” I finished his sentence, which had always been a habit of mine.

Julian nodded slightly.

“It’s going to be all right. Believe me.” I said and turned the key in its hole.

***

The look on Julian’s face as he stepped lightly into the room before him, was like that of a child unwrapping his first birthday gift only to find a message there saying sorry, the teddy bear you wanted were sold out so we got you a giraffe instead.

He walked around the modernist living room, where a stylish white leather sofa sat in front of a wide plasma screen. Some of the walls were painted dark burgundy and the others very faint olive green. There was a cubic display cabinet made of glass which also served as a room divider between the living room and the kitchen which was all chrome topped and looking very sleek. The cabinet accommodated a few abstract sculptures, poetry books that looked like there were just there for display and jazz music records made to impress anyone on their first date. On the east side of the room there was a balcony overlooking a small street with little shops.

I didn’t want to make him feel anymore awkward so I started making coffee for both of us in the kitchen when I heard him gasp in astonishment at the huge fish bowl which sat on a tableu next to the balcony door. Occupying the bowl was a lonely little gold fish, which was nothing special apart from his permanently scowling face, but the ornaments inside were made to look like a miniature version of his apartment.

“That’s Johan.” I hinted at the fish. “…and you made that, last year. Well actually 3 years ago, but you’ve changed it since renovating this apartment.”

“…this? This fish bowl?” his eyes widened in awe. “But it’s exactly like this apartment! Look at the miniature mugs inside the kitchen cabinet!”

“What can I say…you’re an architect. A good one too.”

He stared at me in confusion before looking at the scowling Johan again.

“…I think I could be friends with you.” He said under his breath but I heard it and laughed.

“So, the regular black with no sugar?” I held up a mug to him.

He rose suddenly and scooted over to the kitchen looking hesitant. “Do you…uh…do I have any normal milk?”

“Should be some in the fridge.”

“Right…” He looked around disoriented.

“Which would be inside that cabinet just next to you, if you pull that handle out.” I said as I reached past him to grab at the handle.

For a brief second my arm brushed the front of his shirt in a light touch and we were standing very close. I caught a whiff of his familiar scent and was overwhelmed with longing.

I missed you. So much.

He met my nervous gaze with those timid big green globes of eyes….His lips were slightly parted.

“Harlan?”

“Pardon me…the door was a little sticky.” I yanked the fridge door open and looked away trying to think of something else.

Julian looked so surprised at the contents of the fridge. I probably should have not gone overboard and stocked it full. He never eats in anyway…

“You bought all this??”

“Well…I know you don’t cook, but I figured you’d wanna stay in a few days. I can come around and make dinner. It’s the least I can do after all those late nights at the office and you bought takeaways for us.” I said as I took the milk carton out.

“…thank you.” He received the mug of milk with both hands and held it close to his chest before sipping.

“Hmm…that’s funny. You said in 10^thgrade that you’ll never drink a glass of milk again.”

“I did?” he looked up and a milk whisker formed on either side of his mouth. “But this milk is good…”

“Apart from the amnesia, you’ve changed so much I could have sworn you’re a different person.”

We laughed nervously as I pointed to the corners of his mouth.

“I’m so sorry Harlan.”

“For what?”

“I’m troubling you so much…”

“Hmmm…” I chuckled. “I like this you better. Six months ago I wouldn’t even dream to see Julian Lemon apologising for anything he’s ever done.”

An awkward silence followed…again that impeding worry raided my mind…there was something amiss here. Julian is back I keep telling myself…but Julian is somehow not here.

“…What was I like?” he peered at me timidly.

I’ve never seen him done that before. I didn’t think he was even capable of being this cute. The Julian I knew was a cocky bastard, spoke with an exaggerated made-up English accent and strode everywhere with his head held high. He was a confident person, who was good at what he did, owned sarcasm and a gold fish with attitude as pets, knew he was beautiful and with a curl of his lips could make any man fall down at his feet. He has always been proud and rather vain and …oh my god, how he was very open about his homosexuality used to bother me very much when we were in high school.

It wasn’t easy being different, especially in a high school like ours. But Julian never once saw being homosexual as a flaw. Instead he took pride in it and as he was good in everything he did, everyone respected and admired him. He had always been slighter than me, but that air of confidence was what saved me all those years.

In a way, I grew up being envious of him most of the time. I was an average kid, I didn’t have any special talents nor a particularly charming personality that could draw everyone towards me. All I had going for me was my height and all I got used for in high school was a quarterback. By the time we were in 12^th grade I made up my mind to step out of his shadow and make my own. So while he was busy philandering with every pretty boy in school he could seduce, I closed myself off, be as straight as I could get and concentrated on my studies. Eventually I made it out of high school into a good university, but Julian got there first. He was a brilliant student and formed his own firm almost as soon as he finished university.

For all the cockiness he could pack in a punch, and all the brief love affairs he threw around, he was a good man who always kept his word. And I couldn’t help but follow him around…

“I’ll show you.” I put my coffee mug down and showed him the way into his bedroom.

Nikita Jovanovich

2007-04-09T13:11:54Z

I am not sure where to begin...but apparently...I have been comatose for nearly half a year.

And it seems that with this comatose, I have lost some of my memory...or confused them with something else that the doctors all believe to be something that my conscience have made up in order to survive.

The following things remain on my memory however; an intense surging pain through my chest that might have been a heart attack, a woman's voice, and a man's concerned face as he shook my shoulders trying to revive me. I cannot remember the woman's face, but the man I can still recall quite vividly...he had a hard set face, framed by raven coloured hair.

That day I opened my eyes again, there was a man I did not recognise by the side of my bed. He was crying quietly with his face turned down as he held my right arm, not even aware that I had awakened. The room looked like a hospital ward.

"Who...who are you?" I had said, surprised at how strangely weak my voice was.

The man halted his weeping and stared at me in utter shock before fresh waves of tears poured from his bloodshot eyes again.

"Julian...Ohh Julian...!!"

Was all he could say as he rushed to clasp my still spinning head.

"This is a miracle of God..." he sniffled. "I had come to say goodbye...they told me you would never wake up again and today was going to be the last day. But...oh! I'm so sorry..."

He laughed and choked, sheded some more tears and laughed again as he held me.

By the intensity of his grasp alone I got the feeling, that this man had been coming here almost everyday for however long I was in this comatose. Yet I do not recognise him. I have never seen him before. And I do not know of this Julian he refers me to.

"I am sorry." I said as I pushed him away to seek his face. "...but who are you?"

-----

His joyous expression was suddenly replaced by that of grave concern.

"Jules, you are not.....joking, are you?"

I stared blankly at him.

He apologised abruptly and exited the room. A few minutes later, a doctor and 2 nurses came in and every one of them had that same shocked but hugely relieved expression on their faces. The nurses went to work to pull out all the tubes that were stuck to my arms and the doctor performed his routine checks. It all happened very fast and none of them cared to explain to me what was going on, other than reassure me that everything was okay now.

----

Half an hour later, when all the medical staff were satisfied that I had made a good recovery, they finally left me alone to sort out my thoughts…

"So it's true. They did warn me that you would lose your memory."

I looked away, suddenly feeling very ashamed and lonely.

"It's me. It's Harlan. We're best mates since high-school." he began hesitantly. "Six months ago, you were hit by a car and fell into a coma. You were coming home from work...we were supposed to meet, but you never came."

"I had a job? What was I doing?"

"Well...you were an architect. You are very good at what you do. We had no shortage of clients."

"..we? Did you work there too?"

Had I known, I wouldn't have said it for it pained him greatly to know that I had completely forgotten who he was.

"I still do. And yes, we worked together. You were my boss."

"I am very sorry...." I said as I averted his hopeful gaze.

"...It's okay."

Another awkward stretch of silence followed before he said "...your hair’s grown so much, it’s down to your shoulders now.” He managed a smile.

“….my hair?” I did not think to check before, but I was ghastly astonished to find brown hair instead of my usual blond. “…this isn’t my hair…”

My eyes glazed over in horror….now I noticed that my voice sounded different, and my hands, my arms…my skin did not use to be this color…

“…No…what is going on??” I staggered out of bed but my knees buckled as the muscles there have thinned out.

“Jules!!” Harlan caught me before I fell. “Calm down, you’re not fully recovered yet!”

“Something is wrong…” I searched his eyes for answers but they had nothing to hide which I did not already know.

“My name is not Jules….it is…”

And there suddenly, I caught a glimpse of myself on the dresser’s mirror… a brown haired man I did not recognise…another me…

“…Nikita.”

Suddenly that name did not even make sense to me, but why do I remember it?

“Jules, please…I think you need to rest a bit more…” Harlan tried to draw me back to bed, but I moved closer to the mirror, half in awe and in shock of this unfamiliar shell of a body, I now occupy. One whose name was Julian.

I touched my cheek and the image in the mirror followed suit. It was me after all. Jade green eyes, 6”1, copper brown hair and pinkish skin. If I had taken over this man’s body, I feel terribly sorry…I had robbed him of such healthy looking body. The body I used to have was small boned, sickly and had no colour in it as I was born an albino. My eyes were the colour of stale blood instead of this gleaming green.

I turned around and faced the man who had waited faithfully by my side and had requested for one more day before they turned off my life support. He sat on his stool averting my gaze nervously.

“Harlan?” I approached him slowly. “please tell me more…”

----

Cleaned the old stuff out and re-opening this journal

2006-08-18T05:09:53Z

[updated entry: 9 April 2007]

This journal is no longer friends locked -

I've cleaned out all the unnecessary junk here and am going to use this journal for its original intended purpose, to record journal entries of my adult characters, primarily being Nikita Jovanovich, Morrigan El, Berlin Lucciola, Viridian Lucciola, Winters North and Harlan Q.

Their stories prior to this version can be found here:

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3

Other stories can be found here:

Seven and Lyndon PART 2 (both are now gone ^^'')

I can't remember where PART 1 is T__T

Viridian and his first boy love